Sure. That’s what I like to call the She is Dornish Syndrome. Basically, the fact that Elia is Dornish and that the Dornish have paramours has been twisted into a belief that the Dornish culture as a whole is permissive of adultery, or even a more extreme view that marriage just wasn’t that necessary in Dorne. The theory is that Elia shared Rhaegar’s belief in the prophecy and in the necessity of a third child, and that her culture meant that she was okay with paramours and/or bastards.
I find that to be dismissive of relatively recent Westerosi history that saw a Targaryen bastard use anti-Dornish sentiment to try and supplant his trueborn brother and his half-Dornish heirs, a conflict that lasted generations and only ended in Elia’s lifetime (hitting fairly close to Dorne on the Stepstones, which is probably the reason the Unnamed Princess of Dorne was appointed as one of then-Princess Rhaella’s ladies. Prince Lewyn Martell almost certainly took part in the fighting as well). The Blackfyre rebellions left their mark on all of Westeros and engendered a deep fear of bastards that is still present in current time, as Catelyn Stark showed with Jon Snow. In light of that, I don’t see how it makes any sense for Elia to accept such a risk to her children or to her own position in court (as Queen Naerys faced in the era of the Unworthy’s mistresses, from Aegon wanting to crown his mistress in a tourney in a blatant insult to Naerys (sounds suspiciously familiar, doesn’t it) to Barbra Bracken openly speaking of taking Naerys’ place after the latter died. Oh and would you look at that, Elia’s health was delicate just as Naerys’ had been!)
Too, that theory is built on a bastardization of the information we have about Dornish culture because while Dorne does permit for people to have a relationship without marrying and is more tolerant to bastards, allowing a relationship that’s not marriage is not the same as allowing adultery. Monogamy isn’t confined to the bonds of marriage, but saying that people having a relationship without being married makes them more accepting of adultery implies that monogamy is only practiced in marriage. To no one’s surprise, all the examples of Dornish paramours that we’ve seen in the text are not adulterous. Oberyn and Ellaria. Arianna and Daemon. Lewyn and his unknown paramour. Probably Ryon Allyrion and Daemon’s mother. While I’m sure that adulterous Dornish nobles do exist, that’s still not a reflection on the entire culture. Other kingdoms have lots of nobles cheating on their wives and fathering bastards to the point where noble ladies are taught to accept it on the basis of men having needs, but I don’t see someone saying that Reachmen are fine with adultery or that Stormlanders don’t care about bastards. It just happens that it’s the prominent POC culture that receives the label of not particularly caring about monogamy, or that is treated as a monolith based on one single person. Because more often than not, it’s Oberyn’s example of (what fandom has decided to call) an open relationship with Ellaria that is used to stereotype the entire Dornish culture, as if Oberyn is the representative of all Donrishmen. And that’s without even getting into the argument that the occasional threesome Oberyn and Ellaria had does not mean an open relationship, or the fact that Oberyn’s life choices are not in any way indicative of Elia’s, not just as a separate voice from Oberyn’s that is not beholden to his worldview or choices, but as someone who occupies a completely different political office as the crown princess and future queen, as opposed to second son Oberyn.
However, I’ve talked before about how I lay part of the blame for that at GRRM’s feet. For one, he heavily uses the exotic-erotic trope in Dorne and hypersexualizes the Dornish characters to an unusual extent compared to other characters. The way the Dornish characters are handled in the text is a huge problem and Martin really does them dirty. Throughout three books, the only knowledge we had of Dorne is a series of stereotypes and a supposedly “funny” song (The Dornishman’s Wife) that emphasizes two things: that the Dornish have hot tempers, and that they are sexually promiscuous and prone to adultery. Dornish women are generally regarded as wanton which we hear repeatedly before Martin thinks to give any of them a voice. It takes him till half-way through book 3 to introduce a Dornish character; when he does, it’s Tyrion who is the PoV meaning that our view of Oberyn is filtered through his eyes, and Tyrion is clearly affected by the casual racism that permeates Westeros. Martin proceeds to double-down on the hypersexualization of the Dornish when, in a very few interactions between Tyrion and Oberyn, the latter brings up sex constantly, first asking for a brothel, then talking about taking Cersei to his and Ellaria’s bed, and finally calling his longtime girlfriend “a lusty wench”.
Martin then repeats his offense with Arianne Martell who we first meet through the eyes of the incredibly racist Arys Oakheart who gifts us with his insightful assessment “remember, she is Dornish”, which isn’t made better by how our first introduction to Arianne is in a sexual situation. Even when we finally get a Dornish PoV (four books in), Arianne is still sexualized in her own chapters. We get to hear about a sexual experience she had with Drey and Tyene at the age of ten that did not go further simply because Drey got overexcited (all while Martin informs us that Arianne thinks of Tyene as her sister to just add that pesky incestuous element, topped by Arianne’s later fantasies about Oberyn). Martin does the same thing with Lady Nym who was abed with the Fowler twins when the news about Oberyn’s death arrived, again adding a completely unnecessary incestuous element to his already unnecessary sexualization. Even 14-year-old Elia Sand is sexualized.
Keep in mind that I don’t mean to absolve fandom in any way because we do know this is not, in fact, reflective of all Dornish as characters like Doran, Quentyn, Queen Mariah, Dyanna Dayne and many others prove. The choice to ignore them in favor of perpetuating a racist stereotype is on those who choose to promote it. But Martin is certainly culpable in fandom behavior towards Elia and towards the Dornish as a whole by using racist tropes that enforces harmful stereotypes without any effort at deconstructing it.
Which brings me to another thing Martin is responsible for in regards to Elia: that her entire characterization in the text is one line about how witty and gracious she is. In depriving Elia of her interiority and voice, Martin has left her as a nearly blank slate for fandom to project their ideas on. Those who want to absolve Rhaegar or to mitigate the unsavory elements of his relationship with Lyanna have the space to make her to be a part of Rhaegar’s plans to elevate the criticism of Rhaegar humiliating and abandoning her. Sometimes it’s even people who like Elia who adopt the same theory because they just want Elia to have some autonomy in her story. In making Elia a Dead Lady who exists to give birth, suffer, and advance the plot of male characters, Martin left Elia open to being mistreated by fandom as well as the text, which fandom naturally took to the next level. He left her open to having the reader’s choice of motivation, beliefs and character thrust on her and treated as a fact. Which is where the bizarre conviction that Elia believed in the prophecy and thus blessed Rhaegar’s actions comes from as well, even though that still dismisses politics (the Blackfyres), recent history (Summerhall), and additionally assumes that Rhaegar’s power of conviction is so mighty that Elia must have shared his beliefs.
Speaking of, I always have a reaction when someone assumes Elia (or Lyanna) must have believed in the prophecy simply because Rhaegar did. In the absence of supporting evidence, this often implies that these two women were just beholden to Rhaegar’s ideas. As if they were incapable of having another opinion. As if they had to follow Rhaegar’s convictions. I’ve written before about how unlikely I find it that Lyanna believed in the prophecy, and most of it applies to Elia as well. I’d just add that Elia was really close to Oberyn so if she did believe the prophecy, we’d have gotten a hint that she talked of it to him, if even only to calm her famously hot-headed brother after the mess at Harrenhal. At the very least she would have taken part in securing proper holdings for Lyanna in Dorne with adequate medical care, instead of the remote tower that Lyanna had to give birth in (something that possibly contributed to her death).
But as with Lyanna, I still don’t think that even Elia’s presumed belief in the prophecy could be used to pardon Rhaegar.
Rhaegar’s actions don’t cease to have consequences if Elia believes in
the prophecy. His accountability and complicity in instigating the
rebellion do not get erased if Elia believes in the prophecy. His needless public scorning of Elia at Harrenhal is not made better if Elia believes in the prophecy. His terrible oversight in leaving Elia and his children vulnerable to his father’s whims and his willful neglect to ensure their safety is not justified if Elia believes in the prophecy. Rhaegar
had a responsibility to
Elia and her children, and he squandered it. He should have known
better. He should have done better.








